Glibnub/Quotes

The Tower

• To all humans looking forward to being interrogated to death, I regret to report that the Tower is closed for renovations by order of Commander Chak 'Lok, who is 100% alive, but don’t worry, we’ll be happy to make other arrangements to send you to whatever stupid afterlife you believe in, or absent that, the inky abyss.

Excavation Site

• I’ve got some celebratory news, gang. Our favorite excavation site lead, the mighty Bassus, has been promoted. He’s going to work in an undisclosed location where he’ll be quite alive and in no way dead. Congratulations, Bassus.
• Hey, you know who I don’t miss? Bassus. [laughing] He sure was a big dumb animal, wasn’t he? Like the rest of you Brutes. Yeah, I said it. You think I’m scared of you? You just lost the war!

Conservatory

• Hey, Chief? You see Jega’s latest work in the Conservatory? A certain Spartan Makovich left in a big dead heap. A shame you weren’t around to do anything about it, boo hoo hoo!

Pelican Down

• Hey, anyone watch us shoot that ratty old Pelican out of the sky? I’m delighted to report that the Master Chief died in the crash like a weak little stooge. A job well done, Banished!
• Be advised, humans, that we’ve detected a functioning Pelican zooming about the Ring, and our AA guns are very excited about shooting it down.
• Two of our greatest Spartan Killers, Hyperius and Tovarus, were recently spotted kickin' the ever-loving snot out of the Master Chief. The carnage, it was so vicious that we’re, uh, not exactly sure what happened, but one thing’s for sure, the Chief is dead. So everybody should give up now.
• I was…kinda sorta lying about Bassus retiring, the truth is…he’s dead. Tremonius too. And Hyperius and Tovarus. Doesn’t that boil your blood? Are you really gonna let the Spartan get away with that? Because if you do, you might be next.

Spire

• Listen up, pukes, a spire has fallen, so what? We’ve got tons of those things all over the ring making this weapon whole again and making good progress too! That power belongs to the Banished and one spire ain’t gonna make a bit of difference, you hear me?

House of Reckoning

• Hey Spartan, look, I know you think you've won and all, but joke's on you. That wasn't Escharum, that was four Grunts in a Brute suit. So yeah, we're still king of the ring.
• Attention, Banished warriors, the humans killed the fake Escharum body double monkey clone we left out for them to find. Activate surprise trap attack now! I’m serious.
• Look, I’ll just say it. Escharum was gonna keel over any second anyway. Sure, Chief did him in, but come on, that’s like beating your grandpa to death, which, while admirable, is something anybody could do.
• We ain’t licked yet, we just need a new leader. Any takers? I’m not gonna volunteer for the job, but if I was nominated…well, I’d consider it, just saying.
• This can’t be happening! We trained so hard! I yelled so much stuff! We-We can’t lose! It-It’s not over! Let’s dig up a new War Chief and-and get back to it! [choking] We are the Banished! [sobbing]

Silent Auditorium

• Man, am I depressed. But hey, just because we lost Escharum, Hyperius, Tovarus, Tremonius, Jega, the Harbinger, a bunch of Chieftains, scores of Lieutenants, tons of our greatest warriors, most of our hardware, and almost all of our food preserves doesn't mean- Wait, what was I talking about? Man, I'm depressed.
• Okay, okay, you beat us. But did you do it on Legendary? Ha!

On the UNSC

• Good day, UNSC, it’s your old pal Glibnub, Banished Communications Officer/Propaganda Overlord, and it’s another great day of hunting you down like wild animals on Zeta Halo. Keep your comms tuned to this frequency for the latest updates on your dead comrades, your dwindling hopes, and your greatest failures.
• Attention, scattered remnants of the UNSC, look to your left, now look to your right. Anybody missing? There’s a good chance that your absent comrades have been taken to the Redoubt of Sundering. Imagine the secrets spilling out of them, not to mention all the other stuff.
• Good news, doomed humans, our primary communications array, the Horn of Abolition, just got a big upgrade. We can hear every transmission you send, every whiny report of your casualties, every pathetic cry for help. Key takeaway is you’re making it easier to find you and your voices sound real stupid.
• Ugh, we got tired of piling out your decrepit Warthogs as towering monuments of your failure, so we found a better use for them! The Forge of Teash is melting them down for scrap and the Armory of Reckoning is turning that scrap into bullets. So next time you get shot, know that you humans played a vital role in making that possible!
• Little update from Banished R&D: Not only does this ring belong to us, our sciency types are learning all kinds of neat stuff about it over at Annex Ridge. We wield the biggest, nastiest gun in the universe, and soon, we might just learn how to shoot the dang thing. Glory to the Banished.
• When I was a larva in the tidepools of Balaho, my dear mother wrapped me in her pleopods and said, "[Voice crack] Glibnub, grow up and make me proud." Well, here I am, the disembodied source of existential torment for thousands of doomed morons! [Sobbing] I love you, mom! [Sobbing]
• You know, I heard that demons don't exist. It's just a myth my nipple coach made up to try and scare us out of sniffing the good gas.
• Say, if your Dr. Halsey was so smart, why'd she have to get a bunch of kids to do her dirty work, huh? And people call us the bad guys?
• You ever wonder what a shaved Brute looks like? Not until I mentioned it, right? Try and get that image out of your heads, humans!
• Glibnub here, nothing major to report, just taking some me time to reflect on how hopeless and screwed you are. [sighs] Ah yeah, that's nice.
• Got some bad news for you humans. That hero of yours? He's palling around with a copy of Cortana. Yeah, yeah, that Cortana. You know, the one that turned against humanity? Think he's still on your side? That he won't bail on you for his stupid blue lady? You're wrong!
• Why aren't you losers furious with the Master Chief? Why put your trust in a guy that blew it so badly? All that misery you endured, you can lay it all right at his feet.
• Listen, you’re fools to pin your hopes on the Master Chief. The guy’s a mess. He’s got a habit of solving every problem he meets with violence, and while that’s pretty cool, it’s not the mark of a stable mind. And neither is mumbling at little blue people that live in your head. So pick a better hero. I nominate me.
• You humans think the Chief is here for you? Please, since when has he cared about anything except his stupid blue pal? He got what he came for. Don’t be surprised when he abandons you.
• You may have heard rumors of a Spartan emerging from the bowels of the ring. Those rumors are entirely FALSE. Spartans are extinct, thanks to the Hand of Atriox. So stop spreading human lies!
• I don’t wanna hear one more of you stupid humans crowing about the Master Chief. Atriox defeated him with the flick of his wrist. How much of a fight do you think he’s gonna put up this time around? In conclusion, hope is a meaningless waste of time, and if you want proof of that, ask all of your dead pals.
• Latest reports from the field indicate that two more human squads have been annihilated. Great work annihilating Banished! Great work dying, humans! Who says we can’t work together?
• We’ve been killing humans up and down this galaxy for a long time, and we’re gonna keep killing humans until we’re all as grey as Escharum. This is our job, and we are really good at it.
• After six long months of war, aren’t you tired? Don’t your feet hurt from day after day of trudging across this ring? Aren’t you tired of getting your friends vaporized before your eyes? Of course you are! It’s time to give up, human! If not for your dignity’s sake, then for your aching feet! And your shattered spirit.
• Attention, human soldiers stationed at Base Delta Bravo Turnip Fruit, your team may have won, but your brother is still dead. I know this because I’m sitting on his legs and they’re finally starting to smell good.
• Attention, humans, you’re all stunningly, blindingly stupid. That’s all, carry on.
• We’re watching, every hour of every day. And the only reason you’re still alive is because it’s fun as heck to watch you struggle for every moment of your continued existence! It’s like, what do you humans call it, TV. It’s a lot like TV, and your suffering is our favorite show!
• I thought I pretty much plumbed the depths of my hatred for humans, but then I had a supremely crappy day, and [laughs] what’s this? All the way at the bottom of my heart! Even more hatred for humans! It was there the whole time! I hate you soooooo much! I yearn for your extinction!
• if you’re smelling something funny on the air, that would be the huge pile of seized human provisions, medical supplies, personal effects, armor, and food we just torched. You didn’t need all that crap, right?
• How much does it hurt knowing how hard you failed? All the lives lost due to your incompetence? I bet it keeps you up at night. I bet it gnaws at your guts. And it should.
• You think all this resistance is helping? You’re only making us mad. And that’s only going to make it hurt more when we get our angry mitts on you. You think I’m joking? Screw around and find out.
• In claiming Zeta Halo, the Banished have done what the Covenant couldn’t. That’s right, the Covenant, which time after time pushed you idiots to the brink of extinction, are nothing compared to us. We’re like nothing you’ve ever seen.
• When you’re sitting there asking “Why me?”, remember that you came to Zeta Halo looking for a fight. All we did was give you one.
• [Yawn] Gosh, it’s been a long day, ah, watching you pathetic nerds beg for your life. Oh, I’m beat! What are you UNSC dorks up to? Running and screaming. Ah, thought so. Just another day in paradise, huh?
• Attention all UNSC troops, just wanted you to know that the “unspoiled” rations you “miraculously” discovered last week were given some extra special seasonings by my good pal Jiplik. Hope they were tasty.
• Reminder, resistance is hazardous to your health, because it makes us really, really angry.
• Listen up, humans, got any friends at Helix Squad? You’re gonna wanna check up on ‘em. Or what’s left of ‘em anyway. We left them in a nice big crater.
• If you humans are praying for the moment that backup finally arrives, remember, since Zeta Halo warped, they have no idea where to even start looking for you. You’re alone, and you’re gonna stay that way.
• Oh boy, just imagine, all that worthless human culture and industry that’ll go up in flames when we activate this ring. It’ll be like you never existed at all and there’ll be nobody alive to mourn the loss. Anyway, have a great day.
• Hey softskins, I know you’re probably thinking of your friends back home, so we just wanted to let you know that we transmitted a bunch of messages back to all your buddies on Earth and we told them you were all dead. Dead and smelly. Everyone, including your buddies, had themselves a real hearty chuckle.
• To our human friends still clinging to life on this ring, we know where you are, we know how to find you, and we’ll destroy every last one of you. So it’s time to get your affairs in order. I’m not sure what affairs you have left other than hiding in caves and eating moss, but you know, get it sorted.
• Give it up, humans. Do you know how many of you died since the Infinity? No need to check the mass graves, I got the number right here. It’s a metric crapload and it’s growing by the hour.
• When this is all over and the last of you are finally dead, I’m sure gonna miss this job. We had a lot of fun together. You running and screaming and me laughing at your agony. [laughs] It’s been great, thanks for being a part of it.
• We won’t lose. We can’t lose. This ring is ours. Anybody who says different is lying. Now throw down your weapons and give up this stupid fight.
• Mighty Escharum’s finally had enough of what’s left of you idiots. He’s dispatching patrols around the clock. Search parties crawling over every inch of the ring. The hunt begins. Better start running.
• Feeling emboldened by the return of your hero, humans? Great, we can’t wait to see that hope drained from your eyes right before you breathe your last.
• We hunted every last Spartan down, strung ‘em by their guts, and whacked the crap out of them with clubs in honor of that most sacred human tradition, the pinata. And if all the Spartans are dead, what chance do you think you stand? That’s right, less than zero.
• [sighs] I’ve been training my whole life to the best at demoralizing the hell out of you humans. I even majored in annoyance and vexation at the academy, so trust me, if you’re looking for reasons to give up, you’re in good hands.
• It’s been something like six months since you morons got here. That’s a long time. Like “your families have all moved on” kind of time. Food for thought.
• If it wasn’t clear yet how utterly, bafflingly doomed you all are, it sure will be soon. Our control of this ring is absolute and getting absoluter every hour. It’s time to lay down those weapons, friends.
• A few days of chaos ain’t changing a damn thing, humans. You’re all still doomed, we’re still winning, and in the very, very near future, we’re locking this ring down. For the Banished!
• [sighs] Boy howdy, it’s been a long six months of killing humans on this ring, but if you think we’re tired of it, you sure don’t know the Banished, because if you do what you love, you’ll never work a day in your life. And we love killing humans. Just like Brutes like eating ‘em. And killing ‘em.
• You knuckleheads act like the Banished have never been on the ropes before. We’ve overcome a lot and we ain’t going anywhere.
• Latest report from the war front: Tons of you died like sniveling cowards and tons of us stood over your corpses and gloated about it. Just another day in paradise! The end is near.
• You know this ring is special, right? You wanna know what it can do? Because we’re gonna show you and every stupid human you’ve ever known.
• Ah, humans, just curious, but how much is the UNSC paying you to fight us? I’m hoping that it’s a lot, because otherwise, somebody is getting a really raw deal, and hint: It ain’t us.
• Attention, humans, hope is brain poison. Remember that the next time you get excited for seeing another sunrise. Don’t forget about those odds dwindling every day.
• The Banished is more than just a collection of unstoppable heroes. We got allies. Important, powerful allies. And if you thought these last six months were bad, ha! What comes next, it’s gonna blow your minds out of your stupid heads.
• The last Spartan is dead, and he died like a sniveling coward. His last wish was that you would all just give up. Just stop prolonging what is, by now, an absolute certainty. Why not honor him by turning yourself in?
• What you got left in the tank, humans? Ain’t you running on fumes? How much longer do you think you can go?
• If you haven’t heard, your old home away from home, that ratty ship the Mortal Reverie, is now a Banished stronghold. We scrubbed the stink of the walls and threw out most of your stuff. So if you’re looking for a lost knick-knack or misplaced comrade, check the pile of burning garbage. Can’t miss it.
• There’s not many of you left on this ring, but don’t worry. These little pep talks from yours truly will continue until every last one of you is dead. That’s a Glibnub guarantee! I’m here for you ‘til the very end!
• Attention humans, I was just going back through some dog tags plucked off your dead comrades and I gotta say, human names are just the dumbest-sounding names in the galaxy. Easterling, McDonagh,