Editing The Ballad of Hamish Beamish

{{Title|''The Ballad of Hamish Beamish''}}
{{Status|Apocrypha}}
{{Semi-canon}}
{{Quote|Honestly in the anthology, I was just excited to contrast stories about the giddy heights of [[artificial intelligence]], with the slimy nadir of natural intelligence [in [[Saint's Testimony]]]. I’m also more closely aligned in real-life with Hamish than I am with [[Iona]]. And with Fractures, that’s further compounded by my now regular embarrassment of being contrasted myself, with a slew of far superior authors and creators.|Frank O'Connor{{Ref/Reuse|bbb}}}}
[[File:UNSC_Janitorial_Corps_by_TDSpiral.png|thumb|200px|Accompanying illustration by Garrett Post]]
'''''The Ballad of Hamish Beamish''''' is a poem included in ''[[Halo: Fractures|Halo: Fractures: Extraordinary Tales from the Halo Canon]]''. Written by [[Frank O'Connor]], the ''Ballad'' is a tongue-in-cheek piece detailing the life of [[Hamish Beamish]], a [[Corbulo Academy of Military Science|Corbulo Academy]] janitor whom O'Connor originally portrayed in a cameo appearance in ''[[Halo 4: Forward Unto Dawn]]''. The story includes art by {{Plain|[https://www.artstation.com/artist/garrettpost Garrett Post]}},<ref name="bbb">[https://www.halowaypoint.com/en-us/news/books-browsers-and-big-team '''Halo Waypoint''' - '' Books, Browsers, and Big Team'']</ref> whose artwork was previously featured in the ''[[Headhunters (short story)|Headhunters]]'' short story in the re-release of ''[[Halo: Evolutions]]''.

==The Ballad==
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{{Article quote|
A long time ago on a military ship 

A boy signed on to a perilous trip 

A would-be cadet 

With a penchant for danger 

He signed on for thrills

In a cryosleep manger 


Corbulo's the name 

Of his life's destination 

A military school 

With a fine reputation 

An officer's life 

Was the life he had chosen 

As he and his chums were cryonically frozen


And off into slipspace the young people headed 

But a problem arose that starfarers have dreaded 

The long sleep of storage 

Was to be interrupted

By a technical flaw 

And some code that corrupted 


As the good ship Jamaica flew on through night 

The seal on his chamber grew a bit less than tight 

The cryopod opened a decade too soon 

And Hamish thawed out 'neath an alien moon 

Alone and afraid in the space between spaces 

He gazed with fear at his companions' faces 

He wiped frost from their visors 

But onward they slept 

Safe and preserved while poor Hamish just wept 


When he got it together, he resolved to survive 

Alone on a starship, now surely he'd thrive 

All he'd need is some heat and a good source of food 

But on waking the AI, the news wasn't good 

“Apologies, Beamish, but this ship is unmanned 

“You and the others are effectively canned 

“We ship you like cargo to some distant star 

“But this uncrewed transporter has no buffet bar 

“Nor heating for humans, but there's plenty of air 

“So if you wrap up in blankets, you might still make it there 

“Your sleep chamber's ruined 

“And the backup is rusted 

“So if you get to Corbulo 

“You'll be all old and busted 

“It's been called a flat circle 

“And a relative hitch

“But the fact of the matter's 

“Time is gravity's bitch 

“So you have my condolence 

“And I'll help if I can 

“But I suggest that indolence 

“Is the best kind of plan.”


So the darkness and cold would make anyone spooked

And young Master Hamish knew that his goose was cooked

He examined his options 

And set in for the flight 

He'd be cold and hungry for this long, lonely night 

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So he needed some fuel for a possible fire

And protein to eat lest his body expire 

He looked high and low 

And through every dark passage 

But all he could find was an Oberto sausage

Two hundred years old

Discarded, incredible 

But because it was jerky 

It was still kind of edible 

As he chewed the last meat 

That he might ever enjoy 

He thought about girls and he thought about boys 

Though frozen intact, nails and hair would still grow 

And the seeds of his madness had started to show 

He would shave them and clip them 

With tender composure 

And burn hair and eat nails lest he die of exposure 

The smell, it was dreadful 

And the sight even worse 

But better this madness 

Than a flight in a hearse

And so ten long years passed 

And Corbulo drew near 

And Hamish's madness 

Replaced all his fear 

He got used to the routine 

As we are wont to do 

But he dreamed of poutine

And he played his kazoo

Oh, I didn't explain that he kept that toy whistle?

Or that he wore a tattoo of a plain Scottish thistle? 

His buzzing lament did not keep him sane 

In fact, you could argue it addled his brain


So when the ship at last reached the Corbulo banner 

He was thirty years old and as mad as a spanner 

The medics tried hard to habilitate Hamish 

His exploits aboard were disturbing but famous

They found him a job doing what he does best

Which is making the most of a terrible mess 

So they put him in whites and they gave him a broom

And set him about cleaning room after room 

The other cadets soon forgot Hamish's story 

And Hamish got used to his missed chance at glory

He'd never a soldier or an officer be 

But he never got used to the odor of pee 

He'd clean it in bathrooms from floor to the sink 

But I never revealed . . . what did poor Hamish drink?


So here is the moral of this dreadful tale 

Check all of your gaskets before you set sail 

And if in your world, you're aware that it's cleanish 

Remember the ballad of poor Hamish Beamish
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==Appearances==
{{Featurelist|secondcolumn=title-4|title-1=Characters|
*[[Hamish Beamish]]
|title-2=Species|
*[[Human]]
|title-3=Organizations|
*[[Unified Earth Government]]
**[[United Nations Space Command]]
|title-4=Locations|
*[[Circinius system]]
**[[Circinius IV]]
***[[Corbulo Academy of Military Science]]
|title-5=Vehicles|
*{{UNSCShip|Jamaica}} {{1st}}
|title-6=Technology|
*[[Artificial intelligence]]
*[[Cryo chamber]]
}}

==Sources==
{{Ref/Sources}}

{{Fractures}}
[[Category:Halo: Fractures]]